andrew.pilsch.com

I’ve been stuck in a rut lately. Or, if I wanted to expose my nerd, a “feed back” loop. Things have been going poorly and every little annoyance just seems to add up to yet another example of a vast, global conspiracy targeting me. Little things (like the lid of a new bottle of soy sauce breaking) add to the bigger things that are bothering me. Then I feel even worse because I feel bad for myself when one of my best friends in the whole wide world is deployed to Iraq in the infantry. Anyway, befitting a “down” mood, I keep encountering things that just seem to make my mood even worse.

Item 1: I’m watching the Pusher trilogy at the moment. I highly recommend it to you, but the first one (which is the best, I think, so far (still haven’t watched #3, yet)) is so abrupt and brutal in its ending that I can’t help but feel empty after seeing it (which is especially odd because the main character, Frank, is completely unsympathetic). The second is a major step forward in terms of plotting and technique but it lacks the “raw wound” quality of the first film. Anyway, the movies are going to be showing in some domestic markets soon and I would recommend seeing them if you are so lucky.

Item 2: I know you all read Boing Boing, so I won’t really talk about this really awesome photo essay, but it’s pretty sad. It got me thinking about something I read recently (and if this rings any bells, please let me know where, I need the reference) that talked about the declining popluation in Russia resulting from having their national spirit broken one too many times. Those images remind me, as well, of the blown-out, dead cityscapes of Blade Runner. I’m thinking there may be an essay in all that mess (I want to write a paper entitled “Re-animating the urban corpse,” but I’m not completely sure what all that would be about). Anyway, bleak.

Item 3: So, then I get excited, because I have a new episode of Anthony Bourdain’s program, “No Reservations,” to watch. He’s always witty and humorous and such … except this is the episode about him getting trapped in Beirut during the bombing. Fuck. Again, with the guilt about feeling shitty about girls and stupid roommates when faced with people having their homes blown to dust. Shit. Anyway, his article on Salon about his experiences is totally great and a less-than-perfect facsimile (the episode really drives everything home).

So, anyway, I’m sure I’ll pull out of this loop at some point in the near future (at least when classes start for me on Thursday (I hope)), but it’s just really interesting to get in a really deep funk and watch what happens to make it worse. I’ve not really been this down for a long time (even during all the recent unpleasantness with Shawna), which is odd because the stuff causing this is really minor compared with things that happened last Spring (and the things that are going on to people with real problems (guilt is a real pisser)). I guess that’s it. Sorry this doesn’t have a better conclusion. I won’t be mad at you if you stop reading my blog, I don’t think I’ll be getting any more interesting, either.